I never imagined having to say goodbye to my child. Especially, before I had a chance to even say hello. I became an angel mom to my son, Nathan Allen, on July 21, 2011.
Over the following days, I struggled with my feelings and emotions. Feeling heartbroken, confused and alone, I began to reach out to other angel moms, online baby loss communities and organizations. Slowly, I began to realize that everything I was feeling was normal. It has been healing to read other stories and know that I'm not alone.
I had my two week follow-up doctor's appointment 13 days after I had Nathan. Afterwards, I stopped and had lunch with my cousin (who is also an angel mom). We talked about our experiences and the public perspective about miscarriages. I told her that one of the things I wished that I'd had was a blanket or outfit, sized for him. I remember them handing him to me in a standard sized newborn hospital blanket. He was only 6 1/2" long which was overwhelming enough. The blanket made it worse by swallowing him and emphasizing how tiny he was. In the emotion and shock of the moment, I chose not to have a picture made of my son. (One of the regrets that I live with every day.) Even now, I can't look at his memory box from the hospital. There is nothing in it that is his... nothing that he touched... not one physical reminder that he was ever born. That tears my heart to pieces.
I got online and began to research organizations and companies who offered remembrance items, specifically for families who experience miscarriage and/or 2nd trimester losses. I was disappointed to find very few. It was then, that the idea for 'You are my Child' was born. The idea was simple: help families affected by miscarriage... attach more importance to the word miscarriage. Families should be provided the same support and resources that any other family, who has lost a child, would receive. During the weeks after I delivered, I found myself wanting to shout "I wasn't sick. I didn't have a medical procedure. I didn't 'just have a miscarriage'. I had a baby. He was my child." I felt like some people thought because I didn't carry my baby to term, that my grieving process should be less painful and somehow quicker.
"There is no greater tragedy in life than the loss of a child. Unfortunately, because our babies live only within our wombs or they live outside the womb for a short perios of time, an uneducated society often minimizes the importance of their short lives and, in turn, our grief is trivialized." Clair Baca
For most families, once the pregnancy test comes back positive... you begin to make plans for that child. You imagine how they will fit into your life, what they'll look like, etc. When you lose that child, your hopes and dreams for that child are shattered. The only memories to remember when they're gone, are the pregnancy and the brief moments after delivery. Depending on the gestation, some never experience delivery to see or even know the gender of their child. For a lot of families, there are no photographs or physical mementoes to even acknowledge their child existed.
'You are my Child' creates memory boxes for families who experience a miscarriage or stillbirth. They are filled with items that others wished they had or needed during their stay in the hospital. Our boxes offer both practical and emotional support to help families in their grieving process, both during their stay and once home. For more information about the memory boxes and how you can help, please visit the "How you can help" page.
Crystal Stephens
